Sunday, August 29, 2004
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Friday, August 06, 2004
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Wednesday, August 04, 2004
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce
children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect
woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the
east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a
farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively
took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one
you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked
for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can
hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other
girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you
can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if
things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect,
just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed
right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery
he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human
you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a
thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not
that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
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responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce
children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect
woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the
east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a
farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively
took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one
you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked
for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can
hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other
girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you
can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if
things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect,
just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed
right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery
he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human
you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a
thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not
that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this.", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and, while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." .
"That's when I made my big mistake." .
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' " .
"I don't remember much after that.".
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Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this.", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and, while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." .
"That's when I made my big mistake." .
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' " .
"I don't remember much after that.".
Este hombre trabajaba hacía muchos años en una fábrica de enlatados. Un día confesó a su mujer que estaba poseído por una terrible compulsión:
Un impulso incontrolable de colocar su pene en la cortadora de pepinos. Espantada, la esposa le sugirió que consultara con un psicólogo. El marido prometió que lo pensaría, pero continuó repitiéndole y repitiéndole a la esposa el mismo cuento, hasta que ella, aburrida, un día le dijo: -Pues mételo en la cortadora de pepinos y no me jodas más, es tu problema. Al día siguiente, el marido llegó a casa cabizbajo, profundamente abatido: -Qué pasó, querido? le preguntó la mujer, preparándose para lo peor.
-Te acuerdas de mi compulsión de meter el pene en la cortadora de pepinos?
-Oh, no! - grito la mujer - dime que no hiciste eso!
-Si, lo hice!
-Oh Dios, y qué pasó?
-Me despidieron... - respondió el marido.
-Y, ... la cortadora de pepinos te lastimó?
-Noooo a ella también la despidieron
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Un impulso incontrolable de colocar su pene en la cortadora de pepinos. Espantada, la esposa le sugirió que consultara con un psicólogo. El marido prometió que lo pensaría, pero continuó repitiéndole y repitiéndole a la esposa el mismo cuento, hasta que ella, aburrida, un día le dijo: -Pues mételo en la cortadora de pepinos y no me jodas más, es tu problema. Al día siguiente, el marido llegó a casa cabizbajo, profundamente abatido: -Qué pasó, querido? le preguntó la mujer, preparándose para lo peor.
-Te acuerdas de mi compulsión de meter el pene en la cortadora de pepinos?
-Oh, no! - grito la mujer - dime que no hiciste eso!
-Si, lo hice!
-Oh Dios, y qué pasó?
-Me despidieron... - respondió el marido.
-Y, ... la cortadora de pepinos te lastimó?
-Noooo a ella también la despidieron
Monday, August 02, 2004
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going tobring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised adiscussion among them:
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once wesettled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows wouldbe mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to getHIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've beenhere 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreedare mine. I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I AMKEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys haveonly let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as bigas you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUSTkeep all MY cows."
They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheelerpulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT:the biggest Son-of-Bitch bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steelramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know it's actually been some time since I reallyfelt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can sparea few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I juststay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainlynot looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find himpawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let himhave some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making surehe knows I'm a bull!"
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First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once wesettled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows wouldbe mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to getHIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've beenhere 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreedare mine. I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I AMKEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys haveonly let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as bigas you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUSTkeep all MY cows."
They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheelerpulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT:the biggest Son-of-Bitch bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steelramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know it's actually been some time since I reallyfelt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can sparea few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I juststay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainlynot looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find himpawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let himhave some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making surehe knows I'm a bull!"
